How and Why People Love
I can’t say I’m an expert in this category, because the last relationship I was in ended just about about two years. BUT I can say that love comes in many different ways and is shown in many different ways.
Love is often meant for someone or something. A person, a job, a place, a thing and in my case food (I’m the one that cheers when the waitress is heading to my table, but we won’t go there).
We display and show that love for said “person, place, thing” very differently. If we all loved the same, who knows what this world would be, but until then we must accept that affection and care is #justdifferent.
Now, my writing today stems from a number of things. One- I have friends. Friends who I love with every fiber of my being because after 2, 3, 4, 5 years, they’ve become my sisters and my family. Said friends go through stuff. Sometimes crazy, absurb, ‘you wouldn’t even believe it if I told you,’ ‘I can’t make this stuff up’ type stuff. Second- I am a 23-year-old single gal who, too, has gone through some thangs. Thirdly- I am extremely observant and unfortunately have overheard or overseen certain occurrences that leave me scratching my head and praying for humanity.
I don’t want to say that all men are bad and that they are the scum of the earth and that all women should band together and revolt, though some days it feels like that should be the case, as I’m sure men feel the same about women. A friend once told me that hating someone takes too much energy, so it’s better not to care. PROBLEM SOLVED! Just kidding. We are all human. We have to care, no matter how many times we say we are better off alone with our careers and our money. Everyone deserves a partner. Now, if you know me, you’re saying to yourself, “What is actually going on and why is she suddenly pro-relationship?” I was never anti-relationship. I think that sometimes, like many, I get very much caught up in the idea of wanting to focus on myself before giving someone the time of day. I’m super busy. You and I and all 1,343 Facebook friends know this. I spend more time working and traveling than I do in my bed or relaxing. BUT I would stop at the drop of a dime for someone if they needed me or asked me to.
I went on a date (I’m calling it a date because I like the kid and we ate a meal) about two weeks ago and it was honestly one of the best times I’ve had in a lo0o0o0ng time. I sat there, without my phone and engaged in “dope” conversation about everything and nothing. I literally sat in my car in amazement at how well it went and that I actually cared. (I’m sure mouths are dropping) When does that happen anymore? When are two people present without their phones and simply enjoying each another’s company without documenting every minute or snapping a picture of your dinner plate for the gram? (sidenote: I had Pad Thai and it was delish). Social media ruins relationships (and so do screenshots if you send them to the wrong person—we won’t go there). Back to my point, okayy. LOOK UP, PEOPLE. Your phones, your tweets, timelines, Instagram posts… it’s all a façade. Especially those who flex super hard or talk a mean game and can’t even hold a conversation, go against their word or look like completely different humans (again, we won’t go there). We are missing the beauty of the world and the people around us because we are stuck putting our moments into 140 characters or a 3x3 photo.
You know how I like to share my thoughts? Like this. Listening, Reading, Observing, Writing. Sometimes you have to put your phone away, cuddle with your best friend on the couch with a glass of wine and cry it out. IT HAPPENS. Again, we are human beings. Emotional, living, breathing human beings. It’s okay to ‘feel’ a certain way.
How to love
It’s okay to care about things and people. I often think that hurt gets in the way of a lot of things. I have certainly been there, but I can’t have pity. I can be understanding and semi-sympathetic, but at some point you have to leave the past in the past, laugh off the garbage and keep it moving. Encouraging growth should be at the forefront, because you can’t establish or form a relationship without it. We all go through it: it’s either a blessing or a lesson. If you accept a person for who they are, you give them permission to be themselves and give them the space they deserve to grow into who they want to be—and not who YOU want them to be. Surely we all have expectations of people. I believe in people, always and consistently. So I don’t expect anything from anyone, other than the respect I deserve. I’ve always said this, but when I meet people, they are a blank canvas. They paint the canvas for who they want to be. Who am I to judge someone without having gotten to know them, right? I can’t say you’re “this” or “that” when nine times out of ten I don’t even know who the hell I am (other than awesome). We’re all just trying to figure it out. Join the ride. And for the love of all that is holy, don’t go throwing around the words babe, bae and baby like the paperboy on his morning route. It’s just not okay (also, I hate the word bae, but we won’t go there)
Well, because the last place we want to end up is alone in a house with 12 cats (no offense to my cat lovers). I’ve learned over the last two years that you have to allow people to love you, but only after you’ve learned to love yourself. Sounds silly, right? It’s not. Think about it. The texts you don’t answer, intentionally or not, the phone calls you ignore, the flirting you miss because you’re staring at your phone, the girl/guy you ignore because you’re being ignored by someone who’s doing the same (VICIOUS, SICK CYCLE)—it all makes a difference. You accept the love you think you deserve. And no, you don’t deserve the guy who curves you after a nice talk or the girl who reads your texts and doesn’t care (and vice versa). This is an equal game, and not even a game at that. It’s life. Play nice.
You make a choice. If you want to be alone, #kewl. You want companionship, cool.
Me? I am not a one-man band. I want to sing a duet. (see what I did there, John Legend fans?) I’ve grown to learn and accept that I can conquer the world on my own if I wanted to. I was never raised to dream about my wedding day or meeting my prince charming. My mom taught me to find my passion, gauge my interests and fight like hell to get to where I want to be. I’ve done just that, but it would be nice to have someone to share that with. Not saying “oh gosh I need a man, poor me.” LOL that ain’t me, at all. But in order for you people to take me seriously I have to put my personal experience into this. My take on it is this. I don’t believe everyone’s fate includes marriage and a family and children and a big white house with a white picket fence. Some live long, happy lives without all of that and that’s okay. However, I believe (pray, hope?) that my fate includes finding someone who wants to be my equal, my partner, my friend, my muse, someone who wants to complement me as I do the same, the person I sit up with talking about everything and nothing. I don’t consider a relationship to be a game or some weird love triangle (sidechicks are not the move, no matter how entertaining Love & Hip-Hop is for you). It’s a pact. It’s an agreement. It’s a bond between two people who share a connection and decide to be with one another because it’s fun and warm and gives you chills and leaves you smiling at 2am for no reason. Love is cool. It can be annoying and crazy and stressful, but it can also be great. It can only be ‘really great’ if you allow it to be. LET THAT HURT GO. Seriously.
Your past is your past. You make the choice every day to shut people out and I assure you, you will end up wondering what if (again). Too often we rationalize things to favor a temporary emotion rather than thinking of the bigger picture. You are not too busy to text someone back who made it a point to say good morning. If you lead people on because you’re bored, you’re a troll and that’s just wrong. Don’t be that person.
I believe in being straightforward. A phone call isn’t the craziest thing in the world. Facetime is fun. Dinner dates are still really awesome. Double texts aren’t a forbidden thing in fear of being deemed thirsty. There is nothing wrong with wanting to talk to someone and being open about it. If you sit waiting for someone to call/text you, chances are they are doing the same and you will get nowhere. Talk it out, hug it out. Smile.
At the end of the day, time is entirely too valuable to be wasted. Invest wisely.
We love to, in turn, be loved. Don’t forget to care. It could make all the difference.